A New Year, A Renewed Hope
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"God is feeding me, and what I'm praying for is an appetite."- Flannery O'Connor
It has been 6 months since I last wrote and posted on this blog. I guess I felt like nothing I wrote mattered. No one was reading, no one cared. I didn't realize in the creation of this blog, I was still searching for attention and connection. It is ok that what I was looking for was attention and connection. I'm human and I'm alone and isolated. Of course I want friends, of course I want friends who know me well and know me sincerely.
But I was doing a disservice to the opportunity this blog offered me. It is a place to escape and write about whatever is on my mind. It is my small corner of the world where I can express myself free from the perception of others. I'm back to, once again, recording my simple and quiet life and its unfolding.
New year's resolutions are quite unpopular and I can understand why. I've hardly ever followed through on any of mine I've made, other than losing weight last year. But, I have used the idea of new year's resolutions as a way to grow my curiosity about myself and my life. What would I like to accomplish this year? What do I want this year to look and feel like? What could it look like? I've been feeling so brain-dead lately and the way I've been battling that has been engaging with my curiosity whenever it pops up. I'm hoping by engaging with it will encourage those moments of curiosity to become more frequent.
To be interested instead of worrying about being interesting. To follow the rabbit trails. To pause and be fully present in a moment, in a time, much like I did when I was a child. Tocreate, unhurried for the end product. To learn and perhaps to master new skills, but to learn them sinply because I'm alive and I can.
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So, I've set new year's resolutions that are challenging but in a way that keeps me intrigued. If I can hold a 2 minute plank could I hold a 4 minute plank? If I watch 10 movies recommended to me will I deepen my connection with people and myself? If I grow butternut squash, will I find a new way to cook it? Will I learn something new about gardening and plants?
Sometimes life is so big it's intimidating. It is easier to follow the rhythm of the mundane, to let being an adult be all that I am. Wake up, chores, gym, more chores, make dinner, (think about reading but go on my phone instead because I'm sad), find something else to clean and then try and sleep. Responsibility, duty, obligation, Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Die.
I'd like to pop my head up and see the sky, feel the sun and live. There is time for resonsibility. There is time for rest. There is time for curiosity and play. It's all here and I have time.
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Fluent
I would love to live
like a river flows,
Carried by the surprise
Of its own unfolding.
-John O'Donhue
